I am tired of being your crazy ex girlfriend story. I am tired of dating men who cannot grasp the single concept of empathy who then turn me around to be their crazy ex girlfriend. What sucks even more is that yeah, I am the crazy ex girlfriend! But you (I say you as in everyone I've ever dated) are also the self centered, apathetic, dumbass dude who couldn't even read an article on my illness. You expect me to dedicate my time and effort to you and spend all my time with you and you can't even educate yourself on something that makes up everything about who I am as a person.
Please stop saying you get it when you don't. Please stop saying you understand when you very clearly don't. When I am not manic or having an episode I am a very low emotion person. I never show emotion and I'm pretty laid back about everything. In real life this is how most people view me as. When I start talking to someone new and I give them articles to read and warn them about my episodes they're talking to low emotion tia and in their head they're like "oh this isn't that bad? This is something I can handle!" *cue emotional breakdown, splitting, existential crisis, suicide ideation, epiphany, career change, self sabotage all within a half hour* that's usually about the time they whisper "what....the fuck" under their breath and dip. So yeah, stop saying you get it because you really don't.
I'm really not that jaded. I know that there are some people out there who can be empathetic and understanding and make a relationship with bpd work. I've seen people with bpd have healthy relationships and it's not impossible. (Do I think it'll ever happen to me? No. But besides the point) If you love someone with BPD, or could love someone with it, or have a friend with it, the best thing you can do is educate yourself bi*ch!! Read all you can on bpd so you can be more understanding to what we go through every day. Reassure us!! People with BPD have no emotional permanence so it's hard to remember the feeling of you caring. Send me reassuring texts periodically so I don't forget. Even something like "hey you're important to me" will do so much for me. If I'm lashing out be extra nice to me because in that moment that's what I need the most. If you need space let me know but be nice about it. Don't invalidate me. I know me thinking you hate me when you just told me you don't doesn't make any sense but I can't help it, don't make me feel crazier than I already do. Be patient when I ask for reassurance, even if I'm doing it 100 times a day. I know you love me but can you just tell me one more time.
I am a lot to handle, and it takes a special kind of person to handle me. But I am more than someone to be "handled" or "dealt with". I am a special person. Im caring and eccentric and weird and funny and empathetic and loving and smart and understanding. I open up my heart to everyone and I don't ask for anything in return besides trying to understand me and being patient with me. I love everyone with every ounce of me even when I shouldn't. I am a cry baby and I am dramatic and I am a mess but I would rather be all of those things than an apathetic no emotion neurotypical asshole. I'm not giving up on the idea yet that there is someone out there who will accept me and validate me and love me and won't feel like they're just simply "dealing with me" despite my brain being completely fucked up. I deserve that. Everyone with BPD deserves that.
... I wish I could tell you how much of a great friend I could be myself. My boyfriend has all of these symptons and I deal with them daily. I wish I could be a hand to hold for you, and a reassuring character in your life. Just know people care about you from afar, as creepy and silly as it sounds.
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