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I  am a woman. I am strong, I am fierce, I am powerful, intelligent, smart, kind, caring, empathetic, driven, talented, and amazing. I am a woman, and I have BPD. My BPD doesn't take away all of the positive and wonderful things about me, but on days where I haven't eaten and have been laying in bed  all day and have convinced myself that I have no future, it's hard to forget how amazing and powerful I am. 

BPD, which is shortened for Borderline Personality Disorder, is by definition "a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of on going instability in moods, behavior, self image, and functioning" I hate the term BPD. It makes us appear like we are just fucking crazy people w split personalities who will probably murder you. I also hate the stigma around BPD. Some things I hear on a daily basis include "you're so manipulative!! You don't wanna be happy! You are toxic!" I've heard this at least once from just about everyone in my life. BPD is changing your career every day, but still never feeling like you are good enough or talented enough to do anything so you change your career again. BPD is going binge shopping when you have an episode then having another episode because you have no money. BPD is feeling like you are always unloveable and mentally not being able to believe people when they say they love you. Do you know how many of my relationships have ended with the words "nothing I do is good enough for you, and you never believe that I care about you" you are correct @ every boy I ever dated. I can't believe you love me. I wish wish everything in me that I could but I simply can't. 

People with BPD have no emotional permanence. You can say that you care and that I'm not annoying and that you love me but the second you leave I will no longer be able to feel it so I will need reassurance, which I won't outright ask for because then I will fear you think I'm annoying and it's just this vicious cycle. As a woman I was already brought into this world being critiqued for everything I do. Not skinny enough not funny enough not smart enough not talented enough. Women already feel like by just existing we take up too much space but having BPD is like having a little tiny voice in your head that confirms all of that. 

Women with BPD always get labeled toxic and manipulative. In actuality it is people not being able to understand the simple concept of empathy. We are sensitive and we are fragile. We don't behave this way because it is fun or entertaining we literally can't help it. We cling on to people because we are afraid of being abandoned. We lash out and ruin relationships as a coping mechanism. (If I leave you first you can't leave me) we push everyone we care about away because we don't feel like we deserve it. 

I have been emotionally abused by so many people in my life simply because they don't understand BPD and don't to educate themselves about it. If you love someone with BPD learn all you can about the disorder and how to communicate better with us. I am sick of feeling guilty all the time just because the people in my life don't care to learn anything about it. I've had an ex boyfriend who would ignore me for days and completely ignorant to the fact that this triggers me and sends me into an episode, when really all he had to do was learn more about BPD. I've had people I considered friends shit all over me because "you're sad all the time I can't make you happy" or "you never believe me when I say I care" of course I don't! That's what this illness does to me. If you had a friend or family member who had cancer or some sort of physical illness you would learn all you can to better accommodate them and the same goes for BPD or any mental illness for that matter. 

Woman with BPD are strong. We are handed so much bullshit on a daily basis and being forced to live in a world that isn't kind to us and we do it anyways. Some of the woman in my life with BPD are the strongest people I know. When you have a brain that only lets you see in black and white it is hard to forget all the great things about yourself. I am here to remind you that you are strong, you are powerful, you are amazing, you are talented, and you are validated. I love you. Happy international women's day. ❤️