I want to stop thinking about everything. I want all the images and memories in my head to go away. Memories I try to forget but never can. The first time I saw another woman's naked body besides my own is when I snuck into my brothers room to get a piece of paper and found porn in his composition notebook. He saw me looking and realized he didn't need to look at the photos anymore. Why look at pictures when you have the real thing right there? The real thing that you know won't tell anyone because you told her you would stab her and her parents if you did. I can't stop thinking about the fact that someone else did it to you too. I feel bad for being mad at you. How is that fair? I saw you overdose and I can't get it out of my head. I saw you switch your morphine in the hospital IV with heroin. I see you chasing me and my siblings around with a knife because you thought it was funny. I see the look of fear in their eyes when you break into our house to steal my laptop for drugs. I see the look of fear in your eyes as your soul leaves your body. It's something I will never stop seeing. I can't stop thinking about my older sister. I love her. She's funny and smart and a great mom. She's selfish and strong and to my other siblings she's a great sister. But she abused me. I've tried to repress it and I've tried to forget but I can't stop seeing it. "It's just a game it'll be fun" she convinces me that it's fun as she takes advantage of me, an 8 year old. An 8 year old who was already getting abused by her brother. An 8 year old to be conditioned that this is just how they show me they love me. Even as they threaten me if I tell anyone. I thought it's how all sisters played with each other but I knew it was wrong. I felt dirty and guilty and wrong. I have felt that guilt the last 15 years of my life hoping it would go away but it hasn't. Hoping it was all a dream but it wasn't. I feel guilty now reminding her of the pain she's caused me. I feel bad for inconveniencing her. But it's not my fault. I love my sister but I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I can't stop thinking about being in LA. I was with someone knowing I didn't actually want to be with. I was just lonely. I use this to justify what you did to me but there's no justification. Did you feel my heart stop every time we were left alone because I knew you would pressure me into fucking you? What about when I told you I didn't want to have sex and you fucked me anyways saying my pussy was so good, could you hear me crying? Or was my pussy so good you decided ignore it? What about when I woke up to you fingering me and I felt like you were ripping my insides out? Did you hear me crying then? What about when you made me go with your friends speeding 108 on the 405 high on coke and lean with a gun in the car knowing about my intense anxiety. Did you hear me crying then? What about when your friends all called me a whore did you hear me crying then? What about when I was so desperate to get away from you I went on tinder date and ended up getting choked and raped in downtown Hollywood with no one around to help me, did you hear me crying then? I can't stop thinking about these things. I can't stop thinking about the things I try so hard to repress. I can't stop thinking about how I am used up and dirty. About how my body is free to take for anyone who wants it. I can't stop thinking about how my mother was sick with mental illness while I was growing up and I called her crazy instead of helping her. I can't stop thinking about how I couldn't save my brother. I can't stop thinking about how I can never talk to my sister again. I can't stop thinking about how everyone I've loved and cared about has hurt me or left me or given up on me. Then I remember there is one thing I will never stop thinking about; you. I will never stop thinking about how you messaged me one day and told me that I deserve to be loved. I will never stop thinking about our motel 6 room where I felt safe for the first time in my life. I will never stop thinking about the way you look at me. The way you protect me when no one else does. Whenever I can't stop thinking and I am weighed down with guilt and shame I think of you. You remind me that it isn't my fault. You let my body belong to me. You don't yell at me or make me feel small. When I think I'm a burden you remind me I'm not. When I feel ugly you remind me I'm the most beautiful person in the world. When I feel lost you help me find my way. When I feel like the whole world is against me you remind me that you will never be. You replace all bad memories in my head with memories of being loved and taken care of, and now all
I can think about is you.
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