My boyfriend is my hero

(Fair warning: this is very sappy and very cute so if that upsets you don't keep reading) 

My boyfriend is my hero. I know everyone thinks they're boyfriend is their hero but my boyfriend truly is. He has saved my life more times than I can count. He is the most amazing person I know. It isn't a lot to ask for to be a good boyfriend but when you have bpd it can make things pretty hard. 

BPD has controlled my love life ever since I can remember. I don't ever remember feeling normal healthy or stable in a relationship. My bpd symptoms started to show around 13, although I didn't know anything about bpd at the time. My mother was diagnosed with bi polar disorder so I kinda just chalked it up to that. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15. I immediately knew that there was something kinda wrong about me, it also doesn't help that my first boyfriend was a racist asshole but I digress. My boyfriend would take hours to text me back and I would physically get sick because I thought he hated me or he was dead. I overreacted about what seemed to be nothing. I freaked out for no reason. I was always upset about something. Living in constant guilt for all the drama in the relationship I caused. It was the start to a very long downhill spiral of shitty men who refused to understand my mental illness. 

Ever since then it has been a parade of never ending boys who leave me. Some say they understand mental illness but they never do. You send them articles on BPD and they say they'll get it until you have an episode and then you're manipulative. They say they understand until you are constantly asking for reassurance and they call you annoying. Sometimes you think that they won't leave but then you have an episode and split and they're gone just like you asked them, even though you're really just silently screaming out for help. It's a nightmare feeling like no one will understand you. Like no one will ever truly fucking get it. You look up articles on BPD online and it's just a lot of men saying how toxic women with BPD are. They're not understanding. They're not patient. They're not empathetic. Men like things easy and people with BPD are just simply not easy. 

It's not all 100% their fault. I AM a lot to deal with. With DBT therapy I have made incredible progress but before I even know what BPD was I was a mess. Im impulsive. Im irrational. I get angry. I yell. I lash out. I can be manipulative and controlling. I need things done a certain way the exact moment I need them. I'm inpatient. I can be cruel. I can be judgmental. When you combine all the negative traits of BPD with all of the neurotypical men out there dating can be an extremely hard thing to do. 

Which brings me to my boyfriend being my hero. My whole life I have felt unseen and unheard until he came along. When you have BPD you love so intensely and it is almost never reciprocated. I told my boyfriend I loved him within 7 hours of getting his phone number and he said it right back. My boyfriend has never been afraid of how much or how hard I love, he loves me just as much if not more. He's the most patient person I've ever met. When I was little I used to have episodes and cry in my bathroom because I wanted my dad to come in and see if I was okay. I just so badly wanted to feel like I was heard. Now when I have episodes even if I have just thrown pans all over the room, even if I have just screamed at the top of my lungs and broken things, I go to the bathroom and I cry and he comes in and picks me up and tells me everything is going to be okay. Now matter how hard I push away he just loves me more. 

I have felt ugly and worthless my whole life. I was molested when I was younger and it has dramatically effected myself and myself esteem. Some days I feel like I am the baddest bitch on the planet but most days I want to rip my skin off. On those days is when my boyfriend makes me feel beautiful and powerful and strong. I feel like I can do anything with him. I have been doubting myself my whole life but he makes me feel like I can be anyone in this world. He is the most caring, empathetic, nurturing, selfless person I have ever met.  My boyfriend sees the world in a way no one else sees besides me and for the first time ever I don't feel alone. This is the first time in my life that I have felt heard and understood and loved and cared for. My whole life I have been constantly emotionally abused by people and I've always thought it was my fault. Jelani makes me feel loved in a way that I never have been before. I feel like I can take on anything. I feel like I can finally manage my BPD. I feel like someone is finally hearing me. I feel finally feel like I'm safe.