A letter to my boyfriend and my abusers

I want to stop thinking about everything. I want all the images and memories in my head to go away. Memories I try to forget but never can. The first time I saw another woman's naked body besides my own is when I snuck into my brothers room to get a piece of paper and found porn in his composition notebook. He saw me looking and realized he didn't need to look at the photos anymore. Why look at pictures when you have the real thing right there? The real thing that you know won't tell anyone because you told her you would stab her and her parents if you did. I can't stop thinking about the fact that someone else did it to you too. I feel bad for being mad at you. How is that fair? I saw you overdose and I can't get it out of my head. I saw you switch your morphine in the hospital IV with heroin. I see you chasing me and my siblings around with a knife because you thought it was funny. I see the look of fear in their eyes when you break into our house to steal my laptop for drugs. I see the look of fear in your eyes as your soul leaves your body. It's something I will never stop seeing. I can't stop thinking about my older sister. I love her. She's funny and smart and a great mom. She's selfish and strong and to my other siblings she's a great sister. But she abused me. I've tried to repress it and I've tried to forget but I can't stop seeing it. "It's just a game it'll be fun" she convinces me that it's fun as she takes advantage of me, an 8 year old. An 8 year old who was already getting abused by her brother. An 8 year old to be conditioned that this is just how they show me they love me. Even as they threaten me if I tell anyone. I thought it's how all sisters played with each other but I knew it was wrong. I felt dirty and guilty and wrong. I have felt that guilt the last 15 years of my life hoping it would go away but it hasn't. Hoping it was all a dream but it wasn't. I feel guilty now reminding her of the pain she's caused me. I feel bad for inconveniencing her. But it's not my fault. I love my sister but I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I can't stop thinking about being in LA. I was with someone knowing I didn't actually want to be with. I was just lonely. I use this to justify what you did to me but there's no justification. Did you feel my heart stop every time we were left alone because I knew you would pressure me into fucking you? What about when I told you I didn't want to have sex and you fucked me anyways saying my pussy was so good, could you hear me crying? Or was my pussy so good you decided ignore it? What about when I woke up to you fingering me and I felt like you were ripping my insides out? Did you hear me crying then? What about when you made me go with your friends speeding 108 on the 405 high on coke and lean with a gun in the car knowing about my intense anxiety. Did you hear me crying then? What about when your friends all called me a whore did you hear me crying then? What about when I was so desperate to get away from you I went on tinder date and ended up getting choked and raped in downtown Hollywood with no one around to help me, did you hear me crying then? I can't stop thinking about these things. I can't stop thinking about the things I try so hard to repress. I can't stop thinking about how I am used up and dirty. About how my body is free to take for anyone who wants it. I can't stop thinking about how my mother was sick with mental illness while I was growing up and I called her crazy instead of helping her. I can't stop thinking about how I couldn't save my brother. I can't stop thinking about how I can never talk to my sister again. I can't stop thinking about how everyone I've loved and cared about has hurt me or left me or given up on me. Then I remember there is one thing I will never stop thinking about; you. I will never stop thinking about how you messaged me one day and told me that I deserve to be loved. I will never stop thinking about our motel 6 room where I felt safe for the first time in my life. I will never stop thinking about the way you look at me. The way you protect me when no one else does. Whenever I can't stop thinking and I am weighed down with guilt and shame I think of you. You remind me that it isn't my fault. You let my body belong to me. You don't yell at me or make me feel small. When I think I'm a burden you remind me I'm not. When I feel ugly you remind me I'm the most beautiful person in the world. When I feel lost you help me find my way. When I feel like the whole world is against me you remind me that you will never be. You replace all bad memories in my head with memories of being loved and taken care of, and now all
I can think about is you.

My boyfriend is my hero

(Fair warning: this is very sappy and very cute so if that upsets you don't keep reading) 

My boyfriend is my hero. I know everyone thinks they're boyfriend is their hero but my boyfriend truly is. He has saved my life more times than I can count. He is the most amazing person I know. It isn't a lot to ask for to be a good boyfriend but when you have bpd it can make things pretty hard. 

BPD has controlled my love life ever since I can remember. I don't ever remember feeling normal healthy or stable in a relationship. My bpd symptoms started to show around 13, although I didn't know anything about bpd at the time. My mother was diagnosed with bi polar disorder so I kinda just chalked it up to that. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15. I immediately knew that there was something kinda wrong about me, it also doesn't help that my first boyfriend was a racist asshole but I digress. My boyfriend would take hours to text me back and I would physically get sick because I thought he hated me or he was dead. I overreacted about what seemed to be nothing. I freaked out for no reason. I was always upset about something. Living in constant guilt for all the drama in the relationship I caused. It was the start to a very long downhill spiral of shitty men who refused to understand my mental illness. 

Ever since then it has been a parade of never ending boys who leave me. Some say they understand mental illness but they never do. You send them articles on BPD and they say they'll get it until you have an episode and then you're manipulative. They say they understand until you are constantly asking for reassurance and they call you annoying. Sometimes you think that they won't leave but then you have an episode and split and they're gone just like you asked them, even though you're really just silently screaming out for help. It's a nightmare feeling like no one will understand you. Like no one will ever truly fucking get it. You look up articles on BPD online and it's just a lot of men saying how toxic women with BPD are. They're not understanding. They're not patient. They're not empathetic. Men like things easy and people with BPD are just simply not easy. 

It's not all 100% their fault. I AM a lot to deal with. With DBT therapy I have made incredible progress but before I even know what BPD was I was a mess. Im impulsive. Im irrational. I get angry. I yell. I lash out. I can be manipulative and controlling. I need things done a certain way the exact moment I need them. I'm inpatient. I can be cruel. I can be judgmental. When you combine all the negative traits of BPD with all of the neurotypical men out there dating can be an extremely hard thing to do. 

Which brings me to my boyfriend being my hero. My whole life I have felt unseen and unheard until he came along. When you have BPD you love so intensely and it is almost never reciprocated. I told my boyfriend I loved him within 7 hours of getting his phone number and he said it right back. My boyfriend has never been afraid of how much or how hard I love, he loves me just as much if not more. He's the most patient person I've ever met. When I was little I used to have episodes and cry in my bathroom because I wanted my dad to come in and see if I was okay. I just so badly wanted to feel like I was heard. Now when I have episodes even if I have just thrown pans all over the room, even if I have just screamed at the top of my lungs and broken things, I go to the bathroom and I cry and he comes in and picks me up and tells me everything is going to be okay. Now matter how hard I push away he just loves me more. 

I have felt ugly and worthless my whole life. I was molested when I was younger and it has dramatically effected myself and myself esteem. Some days I feel like I am the baddest bitch on the planet but most days I want to rip my skin off. On those days is when my boyfriend makes me feel beautiful and powerful and strong. I feel like I can do anything with him. I have been doubting myself my whole life but he makes me feel like I can be anyone in this world. He is the most caring, empathetic, nurturing, selfless person I have ever met.  My boyfriend sees the world in a way no one else sees besides me and for the first time ever I don't feel alone. This is the first time in my life that I have felt heard and understood and loved and cared for. My whole life I have been constantly emotionally abused by people and I've always thought it was my fault. Jelani makes me feel loved in a way that I never have been before. I feel like I can take on anything. I feel like I can finally manage my BPD. I feel like someone is finally hearing me. I feel finally feel like I'm safe. 

I'm not your crazy ex girlfriend story

Dating with BPD is hard. I want to say impossible but there are probably some people out there with BPD who haven't quite given up yet and I don't wanna be a Debbie downer. (But it's like, REALLY hard). Dating right now in general is hard. I would say it's only hard for like millennials, but my mom keep stressing over dudes on match.com not texting her back so I think it's just hard for everyone. People don't really date anymore. We kinda just talk and assume and don't communicate (I'm jaded I know). That alone is hard enough for people with normal brains, but when you live in constant state of agony, paranoia, jealousy, and anger? On top of constantly over analyzing every single move you make while sabotaging every chance of happiness, and pushing away everyone you care about? Yeah dating with BPD is really hard. 

I am tired of being your crazy ex girlfriend story. I am tired of dating men who cannot grasp the single concept of empathy who then turn me around to be their crazy ex girlfriend. What sucks even more is that yeah, I am the crazy ex girlfriend! But you (I say you as in everyone I've ever dated) are also the self centered, apathetic, dumbass dude who couldn't even read an article on my illness. You expect me to dedicate my time and effort to you and spend all my time with you and you can't even educate yourself on something that makes up everything about who I am as a person. 

Please stop saying you get it when you don't. Please stop saying you understand when you very clearly don't. When I am not manic or having an episode I am a very low emotion person. I never show emotion and I'm pretty laid back about everything. In real life this is how most people view me as. When I start talking to someone new and I give them articles to read and warn them about my episodes they're talking to low emotion tia and in their head they're like "oh this isn't that bad? This is something I can handle!" *cue emotional breakdown, splitting, existential crisis, suicide ideation, epiphany, career change, self sabotage all within a half hour* that's usually about the time they whisper "what....the fuck" under their breath and dip. So yeah, stop saying you get it because you really don't. 

I'm really not that jaded. I know that there are some people out there who can be empathetic and understanding and make a relationship with bpd work. I've seen people with bpd have healthy relationships and it's not impossible. (Do I think it'll ever happen to me? No. But besides the point) If you love someone with BPD, or could love someone with it, or have a friend with it, the best thing you can do is educate yourself bi*ch!! Read all you can on bpd so you can be more understanding to what we go through every day. Reassure us!! People with BPD have no emotional permanence so it's hard to remember the feeling of you caring. Send me reassuring texts periodically so I don't forget. Even something like "hey you're important to me" will do so much for me. If I'm lashing out be extra nice to me because in that moment that's what I need the most. If you need space let me know but be nice about it. Don't invalidate me. I know me thinking you hate me when you just told me you don't doesn't make any sense but I can't help it, don't make me feel crazier than I already do. Be patient when I ask for reassurance, even if I'm doing it 100 times a day. I know you love me but can you just tell me one more time. 

I am a lot to handle, and it takes a special kind of person to handle me. But I am more than someone to be "handled" or "dealt with". I am a special person. Im caring and eccentric and weird and funny and empathetic and loving and smart and understanding. I open up my heart to everyone and I don't ask for anything in return besides trying to understand me and being patient with me. I love everyone with every ounce of me even when I shouldn't. I am a cry baby and I am dramatic and I am a mess but I would rather be all of those things than an apathetic no emotion neurotypical asshole. I'm not giving up on the idea yet that there is someone out there who will accept me and validate me and love me and won't feel like they're just simply "dealing with me" despite my brain being completely fucked up. I deserve that. Everyone with BPD deserves that. 

💕💕💕

I  am a woman. I am strong, I am fierce, I am powerful, intelligent, smart, kind, caring, empathetic, driven, talented, and amazing. I am a woman, and I have BPD. My BPD doesn't take away all of the positive and wonderful things about me, but on days where I haven't eaten and have been laying in bed  all day and have convinced myself that I have no future, it's hard to forget how amazing and powerful I am. 

BPD, which is shortened for Borderline Personality Disorder, is by definition "a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of on going instability in moods, behavior, self image, and functioning" I hate the term BPD. It makes us appear like we are just fucking crazy people w split personalities who will probably murder you. I also hate the stigma around BPD. Some things I hear on a daily basis include "you're so manipulative!! You don't wanna be happy! You are toxic!" I've heard this at least once from just about everyone in my life. BPD is changing your career every day, but still never feeling like you are good enough or talented enough to do anything so you change your career again. BPD is going binge shopping when you have an episode then having another episode because you have no money. BPD is feeling like you are always unloveable and mentally not being able to believe people when they say they love you. Do you know how many of my relationships have ended with the words "nothing I do is good enough for you, and you never believe that I care about you" you are correct @ every boy I ever dated. I can't believe you love me. I wish wish everything in me that I could but I simply can't. 

People with BPD have no emotional permanence. You can say that you care and that I'm not annoying and that you love me but the second you leave I will no longer be able to feel it so I will need reassurance, which I won't outright ask for because then I will fear you think I'm annoying and it's just this vicious cycle. As a woman I was already brought into this world being critiqued for everything I do. Not skinny enough not funny enough not smart enough not talented enough. Women already feel like by just existing we take up too much space but having BPD is like having a little tiny voice in your head that confirms all of that. 

Women with BPD always get labeled toxic and manipulative. In actuality it is people not being able to understand the simple concept of empathy. We are sensitive and we are fragile. We don't behave this way because it is fun or entertaining we literally can't help it. We cling on to people because we are afraid of being abandoned. We lash out and ruin relationships as a coping mechanism. (If I leave you first you can't leave me) we push everyone we care about away because we don't feel like we deserve it. 

I have been emotionally abused by so many people in my life simply because they don't understand BPD and don't to educate themselves about it. If you love someone with BPD learn all you can about the disorder and how to communicate better with us. I am sick of feeling guilty all the time just because the people in my life don't care to learn anything about it. I've had an ex boyfriend who would ignore me for days and completely ignorant to the fact that this triggers me and sends me into an episode, when really all he had to do was learn more about BPD. I've had people I considered friends shit all over me because "you're sad all the time I can't make you happy" or "you never believe me when I say I care" of course I don't! That's what this illness does to me. If you had a friend or family member who had cancer or some sort of physical illness you would learn all you can to better accommodate them and the same goes for BPD or any mental illness for that matter. 

Woman with BPD are strong. We are handed so much bullshit on a daily basis and being forced to live in a world that isn't kind to us and we do it anyways. Some of the woman in my life with BPD are the strongest people I know. When you have a brain that only lets you see in black and white it is hard to forget all the great things about yourself. I am here to remind you that you are strong, you are powerful, you are amazing, you are talented, and you are validated. I love you. Happy international women's day. ❤️